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Zettel Film Reviews » Gordilocks and the Three Blairs – a fairy tale for our times. Beware what you wish for

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Gordilocks and the Three Blairs – a fairy tale for our times. Beware what you wish for


Quit with the head-patting or I'm off to get legless

Quit with the head-patting or I'm off to get legless

(There have been many changes in the Westminster Forest since this was written. But Gordilocks got her wish and the the Three Blairs disappeared deep into the forest. Recently Gordilocks has been wondering whether she got a bum deal. Stuffed again by Daddy Blair).


Gordilocks and the Three Blairs

Once upon a time in Westminster forest there was a family of Blairs. The Blairs were the most important animals in the forest and lived in a great big house. Everyone in the forest was afraid of daddy Blair who was very important. Only Mummy Blair stood up to him because she was the cleverest one in the family. In fact secretly Mummy Blair thought that she was much cleverer than daddy Blair who deep down she thought was pretty stupid. “He wouldn’t get far running the forest if it wasn’t for me” she would say to herself secretly, wishing that it was really her and not daddy Blair who was in charge.

There were three baby Blairs but at the time of our story, two baby Blairs were away on holiday staying at Richard Cliffs holiday camp by the sea a long long way away. So there was just daddy Blair, Mummy Blair and little baby Blair. One day the three Blairs decided to go on an expedition into the woods to see if they could find some Woodland Michaelmas Daisies. These are extremely rare, indeed no one has ever really seen one, but daddy Blair was absolutely certain that he knew where to find some and led his whole family off to find them.

It was a bright sunny morning and Gordilocks was happily skipping through the forest. Gordilocks was quite a happy little girl despite the fact that nobody really liked her very much. No one quite knew why, she was a very clever little girl but sometimes she would talk and talk and talk, using such long words that other children became very tired and sleepy listening and trying to understand her. So Gordilocks spent a lot of time on her own and just loved to wander through the forest of Westminster dreaming that one day she would be the queen of the forest. She knew this could never happen as long as daddy Blair was still around but resolved to find some way to get rid of him.

Gordilocks turned a corner in the forest and saw the Blairs’ big house ahead. She was very careful as she did not like meeting daddy Blair who always patted her on the head and told her how lucky she was that he was the leader of the forest and could make sure she didn’t get into trouble. This made Gordilocks so angry that as soon as she was on her own she used to stamp her foot and kick the nearest tree in frustration and anger. “One day, I’ll show him” she used to say to anyone who would listen: which was no one.

Approaching the house carefully, Gordilocks thought it looked deserted but just to be sure she knocked very hard three times. Getting no reply she fetched out of her pocket a magic golden key. How Gordilocks came by this key was shrouded in mystery: she always said that daddy Blair had given it to her long ago so that if anything happened to him she could come in and look after the big house. Daddy Blair denied this: in fact he said there was no magic key and that Gordilocks was just making it up to make herself seem important. Opinion in the forest was divided about the magic key but many people’s opinion was summed up by daddy Blair’s best friend Alice Tare who once said to two friends “if daddy Blair ever gave Gordilocks a magic key, I bet the bloody thing doesn’t fit.” His friends, Peter, the forest gopher who is Mandy’s son, and Dr John, Keeper of the Creepers for the forest, both nodded in agreement.

In fact, Gordilocks had found out the truth about the magic key; it only ever worked if daddy Blair wasn’t around. When she first discovered this she looked around to make sure no one was listening and swore under her breath “devious bastard”. Gordilocks we can see, is not quite the innocent little girl she seems on the outside. In private she loves to use some very naughty words. So now she tried the magic key, found it worked and let herself into the house safe in the knowledge that daddy Blair was far away. “Probably out looking for those stupid daisies again” she said to herself.

Gordilocks loved the big house. Every time daddy Blair was away she would let herself in and wander around the house pretending it was hers and that daddy Blair was never coming back. As she was feeling hungry Gordilocks headed for the kitchen. Once there she saw three bowls laid out: one very big bowl, one medium sized bowl and one tiny little bowl. She peered in to each bowl and saw that each was filled with luxury Swiss style muesli. “where’s the bloody porridge?” she said out loud. Seeing that the muesli was all there was, she had a spoonful from the big bowl and a spoonful from the medium sized bowl and then with the help of some special organic, hand-reared, goats milk she found in the fridge, she wolfed down all the muesli in the tiny bowl and headed for her favourite room.

Full of excitement, Gordilocks entered her favourite place in the world. It was a great big room with a very large polished table in the middle. This was where daddy Blair held forest meetings. Gordilocks used to watch and listen at the window so she knew exactly what went on in this room and just longed to be part of it. Each forest meeting was the same: all the different animals would file in and stand behind their chairs with their heads bowed. Then there was always a wait, she never knew why, when they just stood there, sometimes for several minutes and then finally daddy Blair would come wandering into the room and go to the biggest and best chair at the head of the table. This was just the best chair Gordilocks had ever seen: it was at least 6 inches taller than any other chair in the room and on the back in big letters was engraved in great big letters “I am”. She didn’t understand much of what went on in the meetings, only that anyone who said the word ‘no’ was immediately thrown out and scurried back to the forest. She discovered that they were allowed into the next meeting but she noticed they never ever said ‘no’ again. Daddy Blair seemed to do most of the talking while the other animals nodded a lot.

As Gordilocks now entered the room, only three chairs were left at the table: a tiny chair, a medium sized chair and the big ‘I am’ chair. To build up the excitement she tried each of the smaller chairs in turn and then launched herself into the big ‘I am’ chair. She was in heaven: and she let her imagination run wild, pretending she was daddy Blair. In a world of her own, she settled herself in ‘her’ chair and imagined she was running her own forest meeting:

(Imperiously) “David! If that bloody dog farts again, it’s out of here.

Dr John you can get my coffee as usual but I’ll stir it myself today. And will you please stop polishing my shoes – I’ve got the Italian suede on today. (Pause) A gift from my friend Burly.” Gordilocks was having a wonderful time. She’d seen all this happen but now it was she who made everyone jump. Pure bliss.

“JP, if you’d like to turn your papers the right way up, we can make a start. And Geoff …….(louder) Geoff!! Take those bloody ear-plugs out. What you do in you own part of the forest is your business; here you’re supposed to hear what’s going on.”

Though exhilarating, all this play-acting was making Gordilocks tired. Reluctantly, she climbed off the big ‘I am’ chair and headed for the bedrooms. She was so tired she just scrambled over the first two beds; a tiny little bed and a medium sized bed surrounded by about a thousand candles, incense burners and an enormous pyramid-shaped crystal hanging from the ceiling. Thankfully she crawled into the last, enormous bed. As she drifted off to sleep she noticed on the headboard above her the words “uneasy lies the head” and below a picture of a strange, smirking man was the caption “To my fiend Tony. Remember – the buck stops…somewhere else. Ha Ha” Dubya. Fortunately Gordilocks did not notice the picture of herself pinned to a dartboard with 6 darts in it. Underneath was written “in your dreams Gordi.”

Meanwhile, in another part of the forest Mummy Blair was giving daddy Blair a really hard time.

Mummy Blair:For Chrissake Sonny, how many times have I told you. There are no such flowers as Woodland Michaelmas Daisies.

Daddy Blair: I know that Cher. But looking for them gives me an excuse to go anywhere I want in the forest.

Baby Blair: Daddy, is that honest?.

DB: Yes darling because I really do look and you can never prove something doesn’t exist. Now shut up and let’s go home.

The three Blairs, very tired, finally got back to their house.

(OK, so you all know how it goes: all that tedious “who’s been eating?”, “whose been
sitting?” three times crap. Cutting to the chase, daddy Blair turfs Gordilocks out of
his bed and drags him though to the kitchen).

DB: I’ve told you before Gordi. I gave you the magic key so you could come in, play for a while and pretend you’re me. But the deal was, only when I’m not around.

G: Sorry daddy Blair, I just fell asleep dreaming of when I run things. You did say I would one day didn’t you?

DB: Of course I did Gordi. And I meant it. Why, I can just see you now, walking through the forest, master of everything around you……and everywhere, as far as the eye can see, waving in the breeze, are thousands and thousands of Woodland Michaelmas Daisies. Go on…………let yourself dream.

Gordilocks sighed. A very deep sigh.

(Zettel – September 2004)

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